Crappy news....and on we go

Yes, I know how long it's been. I've been quiet because the news is scary. The PET scan showed activity not just in the lymph nodes on the left, but on the right. Screeching halt to radiation plan, needle biopsy last week. Results came in yesterday. As I expected, they were bad. The cancer has recurred already. In fact, after my visit with the surgeon, it appears that the mastectomy may have caused the cancer in the skin to "explode." The red area around my scar is probably tumor. You don't need to be told how bad this is, so I won't bother saying it. The plan is a gentler form of chemo, taken orally, called xeloda. They are no longer trying to cure the cancer, just to keep it under control. With luck, I am joining the ranks of people who survive for years in that state. I'm doing a great job of not worrying because, guess what? It doesn't help! Each day is a day I'm alive in. I wrote last before the cabaret, which was a big success. It was huge fun to have my parents, in-laws, and good friends in the audience. I sang well and had a great time. There were a few moments when I felt this cancer journey had landed me in a brand-new place. I was onstage with no fear at all, 100% focused on delivering the message of the song and creating beauty with no distraction of the "how'm I doing, how'm I doing?" variety. It was a gift. The more dramatic news is that I am in the hospital at the moment. My lungs have been feeling lousy for a while, despite no activity on most recent pet scan. Over the past few days, the shortness of breath got markedly worse. I was not just sucking wind after climbing stairs, but while talking! My oncologist could not hear air moving in the left lung. Not good. It was too late in the day for me to get a chest X-ray at Sloan, so she admitted me to overlook hospital for a ct scan. Wonderful Devra, who came with me to the doctor, drove me here and waited until Steve arrived. My scan was done last night around 10 and showed significant fluid in the left lung, but no clots or apparent pneumonia. Today, the lung specialist will either aspirate the fluid or continue the diuretics they started me on last night. I am on no food past midnight in case they aspirate (long needle stuck into lung through your back sounds fun, but I would welcome the instant relief it gives.). This means I am starving, with no idea how long until I can eat! I slept about 3 hours, but it was good sleep. Pain is manageable with Tylenol. I peed a ton from the diuretics and feel that I'm breathing easier. Apparently, they will do a chest X-ray this morning. Of course, I know this could be cancer in the lung, but I have decided not to worry about that. How would that help? So, I'm eating vegan and low-protein to give my body every advantage in slowing the growth of this fellow traveler. Once i can breathe again, I'll continue working out to get back into shape. Despite the lousy news, I am finding more strength every day not to make my life about dreading what might happen. If I am on borrowed time, tell me who isn't? So please don't worry about me. I'm not done fighting, and I'm still here, and planning on keeping it that way!