First adventures in chemoland....

I'm in the back seat of the car, on my way to get a medi port inserted into my chest to avoid the infernal and eternal search for a vein decent enough to stick. Mom and Dad are driving,  since I'll be too wigged out on sedatives afterwards to get home safely. The medi port goes right into your jugular vein and even though you still have to get a needle stick, it works every time. I am looking forward to having this done (although not to getting it done!).

Day seven on chemo. When they give you chemo, you get steroids.  After a few days, the steroids wear off and that's when you really feel the chemo. I had heard day 3-4 would be the worst.  For me, I felt okay those days until the afternoon of day 4.  I was talking to my brother Colin and suddenly told him "I am too tired'" hung up the phone and burst into tears.  It was so scary to feel as if my life force had been sucked out like undertow.  My wise Steve knows to let the storm pass, rubs my back and not say anything until I am calmer. for two full days, I feel like Holy Hell.

So how does chemo feel?  It's like I imagine dying might feel, actually.  One moment, I have vitality, some feeling of a life force coursing through my veins.  The next, I don’t.  Too weak to read, too weak to watch a movie, too weak to want to keep my eyes open.  And, underneath it all, the cringing dread that I AINT SEEN NOTHING YET. The effects of chemo are cumulative.  I feel bad now, but I can actually do all the things I mentioned above, can read, get off the couch, lift my head. I just don't want to.  Will I reach a point in this gruesome process in which I really can't? 

Modern chemo is all about nausea management, Thank God.  They literally give you far more anti-emetics than chemo drugs.  One an hour before chemo, another during, then you take those for another 2 days.  Then there are the as-needed drugs.  They come in two versions...the one that makes you too sleepy to drive, and the one that gives you a headache.  I tried the latter.  Once.  I'd rather be nauseous than have that headache.  I've always tended to get nauseated when I am hungry, so that's my weak spot.  It's all about the nausea with me. Keeping my stomach full, doing self-hypnosis, and taking the pills.  My life.

About 24 hours into the worst of the chemo, I found my new equilibrium. One thing I have observed is that this is not a straight course ahead.  Each new development brings its new reactions. It seems I have to keep re-remembering that I can shift my thinking. It's like being knocked off balance and needing to find it again and again in a slightly different orientation. I always told my daughter Margaret that she is a Weeble which wobbles and doesn’t fall down. I think I am more like a Weeble that falls down on its side and lies there for a day before remembering it can get back up again. What can I say? She got better genes. It amazes me that I can keep forgetting my good habits when sucker-punched. But I suddenly started stating my internal mantra of "I am getting well" and find myself back on track.