Another one for the bucket list...

There is nothing quite like an MRI, is there? If you haven't done one, I suggest you hold off. But if you need one, try to think about it like I do, as the worst video game ever. It's helpful to imagine you have entered a video arcade when the crazy loud clanking, banging and buzzing noises start, filling your head even through the ear plugs.

Anyway, had to have a brain MRI two days ago because I had a 5-day headache in one location at the back of my head. Good news: they say nothing; no blood clots or brain rumors. Bad news: unexplained nasty headache. Good news: finally seems to have gone away on its own.

There is a rhythm to some of the scans, and you can imagine yourself at a rave jumping like mad to dub step. Its boring to be stuck in the machine for 30-40 minutes but I was comfortable enough. I like the challenge of being alone with my thoughts and not letting it get to me.

The most important thing is to keep my eyes closed and concentrate on the knowledge that I am calm, and safe. Any thought about being locked inside a small tube with a grid one inch in front of my face are scrupulously avoided, since I tend to be claustrophobic. It also helps to smile a lot and think about how absurd the whole thing is. If dignity is important to you, don't get sick!

Best approach to cancer as well as MRIs seems to be to turn them into an exercise in non-resistance. The more I allow the noises to simply fill my head and not follow any thoughts that evaluate or describe them, the more the sheer intensity starts to drive out distraction and I feel buzzed and almost meditative. It's kind of cool.

We are into round 3 of chemo. Was able to walk up both flights of stairs on arrival - a self- prescribed health metric and am now 3 for 3. Doctor thrilled with my response. Blood counts great, breast improving, no sign of lymph nodes. Gave me new meds for nausea, which appears to be my weak point. So a shitty two weeks this time, but we are apparently still on track.

Margaret drove me in and waited for me while doing her pschool work. She is an immensely comforting presence, a young and lovely being moving through the world with grace and humor. I told her today that I will beat this and get better but that I also have comfort in knowing she would be okay without me. She said quietly, with tears in her eyes, "Yes, that would really suck. But you are right. I would be okay." And I am at peace.

She tells me a lot these days that my experience Is helping her. Thank god she chooses to see it that way. It gives her perspective even in the hotbed of college angst and self-absorption to have some hard truths about life and what is really essential in front of you. Instead of whining about what a hassle it is to deal with this while they should ideally be able to focus on themselves, both my kids seem to have taken a more useful path. They seem to be using it to help them maintain perspective. Plus, they seem to be shouldering the responsibility they have to themselves and our family to get the most out of the expensive private educations we've been able to provide them. And both are more responsive and loving in getting back to us when we text or call at school. I am more proud of them than I can say.

I wish all of you a joyous Thanksgiving. I am truly grateful for my life. Now, more than ever. Colleen