My hair is gone. It started falling out slowly in the past few days. I sang last night with all my hair. That was awesome. The voice is a little rough from the chemo, but I sang my heart out and had the feeling of being more truly relaxed and present on stage than ever. A true bucket list item.
Today, I had another chemo treatment, went to a lunch meeting, got my nails done and had my head shaved. I thought I would wait longer and, suddenly, I was ready. My regular hairdresser buzzed it very close. But it looked really sad and awful - 5 oclock shadow on my head. Yuck! Then the salon owner, with no appointment, spend a full hour painstakingly straight-razoring my head. He refused to charge me, even though two other clients had to wait. As I was leaving, he said "You have the perfect face for this. Don't wear any wig or scarf, let is get a tiny bit tan and you will be beautiful just like this." I hadn't brought anything to cover my head, so my first step was to walk to the car, head high and totally bald!
I got home and tried on a few of the scarves I bought. I lso took them off and stared into the mirror at this strange apparation. My round Irish head - no longer distorted into an oval by clever hair styling. My ears that stick out slightly, giving me a slightly elfin look. I look like a Bowery street fighter with pretty eyes - quite a look.
We are all different, as we wrap ourselves around the loss of hair thing. For me, the scarves made me feel ill, pathetic and ugly. I started to wonder if I could really own this bald look entirely, covering up for warmth but not disguise. I had always secretly wondered if I'd have the nerve to be that bald chick with attitude. And, guess what? Here she is.
My son says I look intimidating, a skinhead about to kill cancer...and its family. He also said I look transcendant, which is how I feel. Sort of a cross between UFC fighter and the dalai lama. Thanks to those of you I sent the photo to who could look beyond strangeness and see the beauty. I feel powerful.
Colleen, I think you look amazing! I was shocked when I first read your crazy cancer adventure blog on facebook and then I was just simply amazed! I guess I really shouldn't have been so surprised, you are handling this life event as you have handled everything else in your life, with dignity, grace and power.
ReplyDeleteI know I haven't expressed this to you, but you have really helped influenced who I am as a person. Our adventures in grade school/middle school and in the summers in between are priceless to me. You introduced me to Marlo Thomas and "Free TO Be You and Me." I remember making you play that record over and over again in your room, when you lived next to the Adams. I know you got tired of it after awhile, but you still let me play it. Listening to this album, as well as your perspective on life, (yes, even back then) were a breath of fresh air to me. I incorporated that whole album and your curiousity of life into my soul. For example,I remember when you were complaining because you wanted to go to the opera, but your mother thought you were to young to go. Before we met, I had no idea that life had so many great things to offer. My whole world changed. Your friendship and your house became a safe haven for me. It was a safe place for me to go, to get away from all the crazyness at my house. A place were I was accepted for who I was and I could relax and be myself. We had so much fun putting on plays for your poor parents to have to sit through. The endless hours in the woods, creating such elaborate stories that it is a wonder that we ever came home. Our childhood friendship is something very near and dear to my heart. High school, college, life and our own families have taken over, but I know that if we got together today, we would just pick up where we left off.
I wish you all the best Colleen in your battle against cancer! I know your spirit and who you are as a person is ready to take this on and you will win the fight of your life! Denise Bouffard XX 00
Colleen,
ReplyDeleteWow, you go girl!
Sorry, it has taken be awhile to clue into what has been going on in your life. You were a picture of health when I saw you in May at Yale and I can't believe what you are now going through. I've caught up thanks to your blog posts and am amazed at your strength, positive attitude, and eloquence. You are an inspiration. I will be thinking about you and praying for you daily and -- thanks to you -- savoring the little moments of sweetness in my own life.
XOXO Margi Hofer
You go girl, you look beautiful! ask your children to draw pretty pictures on your bald bold head (non toxic, erasable paint of course. It is your chance to have a "tattoo" on your head.
ReplyDeleteThings that helped me through the rough post-chemo days (if you want to try them) are:
* Eating chopped liver with cooked red beets once a day (the combination accelerates the production of new red blood cells)
* Doing daily loving-kindness meditation (5-10 minutes), repeating the mantra: "May I be peaceful and at ease, may I be free of pain and suffering, may I experience joy and love".
* Watch old comedies and laugh till you cry
Mommy! You are awesome! rock the bald. hair is annoying.
ReplyDelete-Maggie