Last thoughts before mastectomy...

Tomorrow I go into the city with Devra and my Mom. Some time during the day, the hospital will call to give me a time to arrive for surgery. I hope we'll go out for a nice dinner and a walk and that I can sleep. With luck, surgery will be early, as there's nothing to eat or drink after midnight. I've never had major surgery before. Funny, but I've been blessed with very good health up until now. Other than mild asthma and lousy joints, I've been hale and hearty. So now we go from zero to sixty in a few seconds, wham, bang into the big time. And I am afraid. Afraid of waking up disoriented, nauseous and in pain. I don't want my breast cut off, nor more damage done under my arm. I don't want to live with the ongoing risk of lymphedema in my left arm. And I sure as hell don't want to be zapped with radiation. But, mainly, I don't want to die. And, if all this results in a life free of cancer, I will regard it as definitely worth it. If the cancer recurs, depending on when and how that goes, I still might. From here, it's impossible to know, so why not be optimistic? Full steam head. Whee!!! Since there is a small risk of not waking up, I thought I'd share a few thoughts that I'd like to make sure I said, but that I won't be embarrassed by when I come through safe and sound. Here are the things I feel best about in my life so far. I think I have been kind. I'm not taking the moral high ground here because I seem to have been born with a genuine dislike of watching other people's pain. Also, was blessed to be born into a very kind family and to have been loved so well that I don't carry around a lot of pain to spread around. That said, if I ever hurt your feelings, whether I meant to or not, I apologize! Whenever I end up shuffling off this mortal coil, I'd like to leave with a sense of not having added to the massive pile of injury done to my fellow human beings. So far, I think I've done pretty well. I have tried to be fair. I was born pretty near the top of the heap of life, safe from war, hunger, abuse and violence of any kind. I got more than my share of goodies of all sorts, and I haven't exactly dedicated my life to trying to give it away! But I have striven not to add to the unfairness. It's why I vote Democrat! And in situations where I've had power, I've tried to be just, and to keep my sights on a larger purpose than helping myself or my buddies to profit. I haven't been perfect, but I have tried. I have reared two good children. With Steve's help, a lot of luck, and a fair amount of effort, we've launched two people who are going to be an asset to the work they choose to do, and to treat other people well. They are fabulous and I am really proud of them both. I have loved well, and I've helped other people to be more loving. I have laughed and made other people laugh. This is major! I have made beautiful music. I have made people think, to get beyond their first reactions and consider things from different perspectives. I like to think this might contribute to general peace and happiness. I have been grateful. Not that I don't piss and moan when things don't go my way, but I haven't taken it all for granted. So, Wednesday afternoon, when I wake up single-breasted but still 100%whole, I'll read this list and probably feel a little silly. But who cares? Because the final thing I feel good about in my life is that I haven't been cool (not that there was much hope of that anyway!). I am most proud of the times when I've been willing to look silly and vulnerable, to admit how much I care, how much I believe in something better, how much I long for. This may be the only form of courage I possess (I am a total wimp in most other ways), but I'm glad I have some. And I intend to have a lot more. So, to end with my favorite quote... "Dance like there's nobody watching. Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like there's nobody listening. And live like its heaven on earth." Mark Twain Later, Colleen